Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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