I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
