i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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