I just threw up on my dentist
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
