I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
