So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
