The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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