Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
