i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
