this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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