Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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