i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
