if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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