Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Did we literally take a cab across the street
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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