I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Randomize
