i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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