Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
