They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
