You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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