@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
