after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
