people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
