you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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