Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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