I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
