i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
