Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
