we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
