My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
