Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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