if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
