im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
