So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
