shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
jump out the window naked night went bad
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
