that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
