I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
