drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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