I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
