Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Randomize
