And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I could fuck to npr.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
