I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
