i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We have so much sex to catch up on
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i think my cat just said my name.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
