God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
