connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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