4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
