Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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