I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
ok first of all what the fuck
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
