So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
