sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
