If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
